Thursday, November 23, 2006


I'm feeling very melancholic today even though I have much to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving is my very favorite holiday. I *love* cooking the entire meal and having lots of people here to eat with us. I love eating leftovers and turkey sandwiches for days on end. I love the desserts. I love having my family here with no expectations except food and fellowship. I love how Stephanie always wants me to make dressing no matter where we eat.

I guess this year is difficult for a variety of reasons. Steven getting laid off, the last minute change of plans on where we're eating, none of the kids coming home, not being able to cook like I want to because of financial considerations, not much family here, Scott being in prison.

Prison is exactly where Scott needs to be but for some reason, this year, I'm really sad about that situation. I'm so angry with him for molesting Rachael, for being so stupid, for forcing us to press charges against him. He was here so many years for Thanksgiving and all those times he was tickling the girls, how could I know that there was something else going on? Why did I let Rachael spend the night? Why didn't I know there was a problem? Why didn't I realize something had happened? Why didn't Rachael say something? How horrible was it for her to have him here all the times he came before we found out? Questions I'll never have answers to and are heavy on my mind today.

I've gotten used to Chris not being here for any holidays. I don't like it but it's now the norm and I'm used to it. This is the first year that Steph hasn't been here and for some reason that's hitting me hard. David's in the service so I expect him to not be here, kind of an extension of Chris. Jenny has a whole other family now so I'm used to having to share her for the holidays but Steph is always here.

I'm really glad the kids have their own lives and other families and I try really hard to not ever make them feel guilty about holidays because I know they all have other committments and things to do and I usually deal with it OK but this year, for some reason, it's making me so sad that I can hardly stand it.

If you got through this rambling pity party, I appreciate you "listening".

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